Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Of course, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town historically known for ancient society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It should be large. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from your putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the greatest. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."

Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully out of put. Created by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:

A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour till the drone flies")

And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable drinking water. But Certainly, sure, let us have An additional area wherever American Adult males can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, not surprisingly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations failed beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: offer All people a suite within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This really is tender electricity," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms set up in each device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he ought to cease making use of it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the job, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic folks. Terrific tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."

Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping forms a giant Trump head visible from Place, a element remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, labeled.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after discovering the developing's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.

"It can be not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing along with other Perplexing Capabilities

Probably the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:

A silent atrium the place company may perhaps ponder imprecise disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate Handle set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Area Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing and advertising Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Appear"

The advert campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Forever."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."

General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it'd stabilize the world"

29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% claimed "the place's the nearest elevator on the West Bank?"

Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"

The undertaking is already attracting awareness from Intercontinental buyers, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

In keeping with a Trump Tower Damascus report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will likely involve:

A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Room Dependant on the Iraq War

Comment Part Chaos

Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can't wait around to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD may have switch-down services."

A different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reviews counsel:

China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Final Ideas in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Within a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:

"Damascus desired hope. It wanted gold. It essential a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."